I never really think about death…much. Well, I have a rather morbid imagination in that I’ll start to think about my children or my husband and my love for them and how special they are to me, and, inevitably, my mind will wander to a tragic accident in which they die. Then, I’ll daydream about the entire ordeal: the shock, the grief, making the arrangements, the funeral and burial, the eulogies, etc. I’ll sit and bawl just thinking about it. Most days, though, I go about my happy, care-free life without a single thought about the end of my days (or a loved one’s last day).

Today, however, was a day in which someone dear to me during my childhood died unexpectedly. I realized today, that no matter how much I allow myself to wonder (and plan?)about how I will react to the news of death, it will be a jarring shock to my senses. In fact, it will be painful.

The man who died today was a dear friend of the family when I was growing up. He had a wife, son, and daughter. He and his wife were best friends to my parents, so, naturally, my brother and I were best friends with his kids. We spent weekends, holidays, vacations, and birthdays together from the time we were born to the time of my parents’ divorce; about 11 years. We stayed close, but my family moved and we were not together as much. They threw an engagement party for me before my wedding. While they sent gifts for the births of my children, I never saw them after my wedding day. I “kept in touch” through my mother. And even though I have not spent time with them in years, the news of his passing and their pain, hurts me like it would had I just eaten one of his gourmet dinners with them last night.

I have not experienced the death of many close friends or relatives. I am still young. The feelings of grief and sadness are very strange to me. They are new feelings. It is painful. There is a real physical pain about it that I did not expect.

I am thankful for the ability to feel. To hurt. It means I am alive and my heart is not cold and dead. I am thankful for life. I am thankful for relationships and the grace God gives through others.