Propriety isn’t just about our manner of dress. Nope, nope, nope. Propriety includes the words we say. The “words” aspect of propriety has proven to be a challenge for me. The amount of trouble I have caused just by talking is ridiculously embarrassing!

Barbara Hughes says, “True and restrained speaking is worthy of the Gospel. As with our appearance, our words must not bring disgrace to Christ. The godly woman’s words are true words, spoken wisely” (Disciplines of a Godly Woman, pg. 95). I haven’t struggled with telling lies, but I wouldn’t describe my speaking habits as restrained. Hughes emphasizes four sinful ways women use words and encourages us to develop discipline in this area for the sake of the Gospel. They are gossip, flattery, criticism, and diminishment (putting down another).

Gossip
Gossip cannot be undone. We can apologize and try our best to make things right, but those words are always out there. Everyone remembers what was said, and those words will not be erased. I’ve experienced the effects of gossip from all angles. As an adult woman, I have overheard ladies gossipping about me just outside the bathroom (they didn’t know I was in the bathroom), I have gossipped about others, and I have listened to gossip. I enjoy being the subject of gossip much better than being the gossip-er. I loved it. I was not angry or hurt (much). In fact, I was totally flattered that some ladies at church thought of me so much!

The cases in which I have been the gossip-er were some of the worst experiences of my life. I don’t know about other women, but every single time I was involved in a gossip triangle, I have gotten into big trouble. Confessing and asking for forgiveness for gossipping is so humiliating. No matter how silly, it always hurts the other woman. Following my last gossip incident, I spent some time memorizing several verses to help guard me from sinning in that way again. Heads up: be wary of anyone asking, “what do you think about…?”

On the other hand, to be the woman who is on the listening end is exhausting. I had one particular “friend” who was incapable of having a normal conversation. She was always talking about someone else. I can recall several get-togethers with this woman in which I didn’t say a word for hours. Well, at least nothing more than, “Mm-hm. Really?” Her speech was like poison. I learned an important lesson in my relationship with this woman. That is, I don’t have to be best friends with every woman who wants to be friends with me. It is good to be selective. She called every morning at 9:15 with the same stuff, and I had to make a decision to be intentional about not accepting all of her phone calls and invitations for play-dates. Eventually, she quit calling. When we see each other, I don’t treat her any differently, but I know I’m safer if I keep some distance between us.

Flattery
“Gossip is saying behind a person’s back what you would never say to her face. Flattery is saying to a person’s face what you would never say behind her back.” Gossip and flattery are two sides of the same coin. Moments before I overheard those two ladies talking badly about me outside the bathroom they had been telling me how great they thought I was and what a good job I was doing.

Criticism
I see all too clearly my sin in this area. Just ask me about anything, even if it’s perfect, and I’ll tell you where the problem is. Barbara Hughes relates this funny story in her book:

Once while John Wesley was preaching, he noticed a woman in the audience who was known for her critical attitude. All through the service she sat and stared at his new tie. When the meeting ended, she came up to him and said very sharply, “Mr. Wesley, the strings on your tie are much too long. It’s an offense to me!” He asked if any of the women present happened to have a pair of scissors in their purses. When the scissors were handed to him, he gave them to his critic and asked her to trim the streamers to her liking.
After she clipped them off near the collar, he said, “Are you sure they’re all right now?”
“Yes, that’s much better.”
“Then let me have those shears a moment,” said Wesley. “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I also gave you a bit of correction. I must tell you madam, that your tongue is an offense to me–it’s too long! Please stick it out…I’d like to take some off.”

Diminishment
When done face to face, this is talking down to another or trying to make another person feel small with our words or tone. When it is done behind the back, it could be passing along negative information, which is usually deemed okay if the information is factual. Either way, it is making another person smaller, diminished in the sight of another. I have seen this one in action several times recently. I don’t hear much gossip per se, but I do hear (and participate in) criticism and diminishment more than anything.

If I don’t deal with it properly and allow God to root it out of me, then I’ve got some heavy discipline coming. Jesus says in Matthew 12, 33 “Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit. 34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. 35 The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. 36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

I’ve mentioned it before and I’m sure to come to it again as I blog through this book, that is, the root of the problem lies in my heart. I have noticed that my ability to withstand the temptation to engage in speech that disgraces Christ is in direct proportion to the amount of time I spend in His word. The Holy Spirit has used the arsenal of verses I’ve memorized regarding my speech. I can recall times when, with a group of women the conversation has gone south (and it doesn’t have to be gossip, just trashy, unedifying talk), He has brought specific scriptures to mind to guard me from a snare. On one occasion, the conversation turned to very private, bedroom talk (I kid you not, this was a Sunday school fellowship!), and immediately Ephesians 4:29 came to mind. I politely excused myself from the table and busied myself with going to bathroom, getting more snacks, and walking through other parts of the house, admiring the decor. BTW, Hubby was very thankful that I did not disgrace HIM that evening.

I’m thinking of traffic, long lines at Wal-Mart, when the kids do something foolish, when I’m mad about something, when I’m happy about something…the list of opportunities to sin with my words goes on and on. It is tempting to think that it isn’t that big of a deal, but it is if I want my speech to be worthy of the Gospel. Praise God for His grace offered through His Son! Without Him, I would have no hope for a new heart or a new tongue.