Today begins the final week of my 30th year. For some reason this birthday has a sort of “looming over me ” quality to it. Perhaps it’s just because I’ve felt quite weary of life the last several months, and the thought of entering my third decade of life without much to show from the first two decades has me wondering what really matters. What’s it all for?
I’m not weary of life in the sense that I want it to end. I’m weary of life going on the same as it always has. I’m weary of everyday being everyday. I don’t want life to be drudgery, but I’m just feeling like it is. It’s Monday morning and I find myself asking Jesus where the energy and joy will come from in order for me to do it all again this week.
Eve listened to the voice of the serpent. Abram listened to the voice of God. Eve looked and saw. Abram did not see. Abram kept walking without seeing the country for which he was looking. Despite what so many popular teachers are saying these days, my “promised land” of adventurous purpose and significance is not here. I think God is using these feelings of weariness to teach me “to desire a better country, that is a heavenly one” (Hebrews 11). Abram lived in a tent for a reason. He could have settled down and gotten comfortable, but he didn’t. Perhaps God is using these thoughts and feelings to help sever my affections for this life, my affections for myself. Maybe He’s alerting me to my own comfort. I’m not supposed to be satisfied here.
I also keep telling myself they’re just feelings. Tomorrow I may feel wonderful, like life could never get any better. I know I must keep my ears tuned to God’s word to keep me from straying according to my feelings.
I heard this song last night for the first time in a very long time, and God used it to minister to me.
Hush
by Waterdeep
When you feel like the days just drone on and on and on
And you feel like the nights seem quickly gone
And on the inside you feel like your heart’s just gaping wide
And on the inside you feel like no one’s on your side
I am, I am, I am, I am
When you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong
When there’s another need, another battle, another one more thing comes along
And on the inside you hear the fall, but you hate the falling sound
And on the inside you can’t pick another broken piece up off of the ground
Well, I know
Hush, Little Baby, don’t say a word
Daddy’s gone and bought you a great big Heaven to rest in
He’s bought it with blood, put the seal in your hearts
It will give you the hope you need to get up and start again
When all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on
And everything you try to do right just ends up all wrong
On the inside everyone else seems basically fine
But, on the inside, even they won’t let go of the dead and cling to what’s alive
Well, I am
Hush, Little Baby, don’t say a word
Daddy’s gone and bought you a great big Heaven to rest in
He’s bought it with blood, put the seal in your heart
It’ll give you the hope you need to get up and start
Hush, Little Baby, don’t say a word
Daddy’s gone and bought us a great big Heaven to rest in
He’s bought it with blood, put the seal in our hearts
It’ll give us the hope we need to get up and start
Again
Again
Again and again
Again
so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.
Hebrews 12:3
Updated to add: Read today’s Cheque Book of the Bank of Faith at Hiraeth. Just the pick-me-up I needed.
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Leslie Wiggins 
11 responses to “Starting Again”
Arise! Shine! For Thy light has come!Praying that the Light of Christ would illumine your day and bring you joy and purpose!Love and Prayers,K
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You are not alone in this. We studied from 1 Corinthians 10:13 this Sunday and it was a beautiful reminder that there is no tempation (trial) that is not common to man. It feels that way to me sometimes. From “The Basket of Flowers”…”But God, who chastens even his best-loved children, will not suffer them to become too deeply attached to the things of this earth. Afflictions are sent to remind them that this world is not their rest – to wean their affections from earth, and fix them securely above.” That’s almost exactly what you are saying. Even when your blue you still write with such beauty :)Prayers for you sweet friend!
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pkI understand all too well what you are experiencing. My 30th birthday is coming up this fall. When I think back to the life I envisioned for myself, mine looks very ordinary and I too, have not accomplished much. But, when I look in the face of Christ I marvel that He has called me one of His. I am amazed that He saved me and died on my behalf. That is extraordiany!When I look into the faces of each of my children, I see 3 lives that will be impacted by my life for better or for worse. I am intricately woven into the fabric of who they are and will become. This is sobering and humbling and certainly not small.I could go on, but wanted to encourage you as another woman living an “ordinary life”. Our lives are ordinary in comparison with all that the world offers and becons us to, but in the eyes of God and the eyes of our precious families this life is extraodinary!Happy, happy birthday!
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You are a blessing,Leslie!
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When is your birthday? Happy Birthday. I am praying for you! When I had my 33rd earlier this year, my brother send me a card that said, “just think of what Jesus accomplished in 33 years!” He said it to be funny (and it was) but it also made me think a great deal. What have I done in these 33 years? My prayer is to be more intentional in living these next 33 years! You are an encouragement to me always!
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Jenn–And to think Jesus accomplished all that He did in just a few years! We don’t even know what all He did leading up to the time the gospels record His life and ministry.I really appreciate all the encouraging comments from everyone.
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Hey, sweetie, I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. I wish I lived near you, I’d take you out for tea and a nice chat. I pray that God will grant you His joy, my friend!Janet T.
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Sometimes I have such an overwhelming longing for some of the wide open spaces I’d dreamed of for my life once upon a time. And I’m reminded that we wee not made for this world. We seek a heavenly country. Be encouraged. Our whole life here is only the very beginning of what we were made to do.
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Thanks for your openness, Leslie – I am happy to know I’m not alone in my melancholy right now.
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I’m sorry – my previous comment does not look edifying. I aplogize for the cynical comment, or at least the cynicysm I was feeling as I wrote it.I am very familiar with the type of feelings you described. I know how hard it can be and will pray that the Lord blesses you with His joy.
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Great post! Sorry it’s written through such sadness. I really like how you turn your focus away from Eve and to Abraham and the promised heavenly home. Awesome. I also like that you don’t buy into the ‘prosperity now’ jibberish. Christ never promised comfort but he did bring hope. I am enjoying your blog. I wonder how I haven’t found it till now.
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