We’ve reached the ninth chapter of The Excellent Wife. I don’t know how you feel about dragging out a 21-chapter book like this, but, so far, I’m not frustrated and not ready for it to be over. I think it’s been helpful for me to ruminate on each chapter for about a week. Usually, I’m able to accept the message by the second or third reading. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but that’s how it’s been for me almost every week.

One thing is certain (and I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating), Martha Peace just tells it like it is. She does not leave room for apologies or excuses. She doesn’t really offer much in the way of her own opinion. She makes a point and follows it with scripture. Her style makes it very difficult to argue with what she’s written. Not that I want to disagree with her much, but this particular chapter hit home with me this week. Loving someone who does not love you in return is one of the hardest things a woman will ever have to do.

Peace makes her point for this chapter in it’s opening paragraph, “A wife who no longer loves her husband creates a dilemma because Christians are to love others. Loving others is so important the Lord Jesus taught that the second greatest commandment is to “love your neighbor” (Matthew 22:39). Husbands are their wives closes neighbors! Thus, loving their husband is something that wives must choose to do!”

Summary

The Love of a Wife for Her Husband: Biblical Principles

Principle #1: Wives are to love their husbands
Jesus says, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35, ESV).

In this section, Peace discusses agape and phileo love, intimacy, thinking right thoughts, and mighty grace of God to help wives love their husbands. “Remember, at times, you will have to go directly against your feelings.”

She also mentions that Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed, which reminded me of the sermons on marriage John Piper preached last year. You may remember the series, “Marriage, Christ and Covenant: One Flesh for the Glory of God.” Download them and praise God for iPods.

Principle #2: Selfishness hinders love
Paul teaches in his letter to the Philippians, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others” (Philippians 2:3-4, ESV).

“You may have a valid concern [he’ll take advantage of me], but Christians are to counteract evil with blessings and reproof, not more evil and selfishness.” — M. Peace

Principle #3: Bitterness hinders love
Common Signs of Bitterness: Gossip and slander, ungrateful and complaining, judges motives, self-centered, excessive sorrow, vengeful, brooding, loss of joy, a critical, judgmental attitude. Take responsibility for your sin, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16).

The Doctrine of Bitterness (including a helpful chart contrasting bitter thoughts with biblical, loving thoughts)

Quotes from Peace:
“Even the most difficult circumstances can be reconciled.”

“When a husband will not cooperate with reasonable accountability, then his wife should take advantage of the other avenues to protect her than are explained in chapter fourteen.” (Did anyone else read chapter 14?)

“You can choose to respond to the hurt in humility or in pride.”

“The key to repenting of bitterness is to “take every thought captive,” replace those bitter thoughts with kind, tender-hearted, and forgiving thoughts, and go the “second mile.” Truly, there is nothing that your husband has done that you cannot forgive.”

Principle #4: Fear hinders love
David wrote, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though and army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident” (Psalm 27:103, ESV).

Peace writes, “The biblical key to overcoming her fear is to trust God and love her husband.”

Principle #5: The wife is to “put on” love
Paul writes, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:12-14, ESV).
1. Love is patient.
2. Love is kind.
3. Love is not jealous.
4. Love does not brag.
5. Love is not arrogant.
6. Love does not act unbecomingly.
7. Love does not seek its own (way).
8. Love is not provoked.
9. Love does not take into account a wrong suffered.
10. Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth.
11. Love bears all things.
12. Love believes all things.
13. Love hopes all things.
14. Love endures all things.

My Thoughts

Here’s the bottom line for me: I believe God’s word is true. I believe that God’s word is the rule for living this life of faith. I believe that the only guarantee that I have is that Jesus loves me and that is, and will continue to be, enough. And if I ever stop believing that, then I need to ask for more grace. I believe that it is better to fear God rather than man (because if you’re mother is like mine, she’d rather see you do anything other than love and serve your husband). I believe that in the end He will make all things right. I believe that even if I obey Him fully (and I probably won’t), He is not obligated to make my life easier (or in this case, make my husband love me (if he doesn’t)). I believe that I’m supposed to live by faith, which means I’m probably not going to understand a lot of the reasons why things happen the way they do, but I know that when I see Jesus everything will be clear and right. I believe that God will supply all I need for TODAY. Right now.

Some days that means that I get out of bed begging for grace to just make it through the morning. “Lord, please help me make it to lunch time without ….” Then, after lunch, “Lord, can you help me through the afternoon?” It’s not that I don’t have long-term spiritual goals, but when I’m struggling, I just take the day in increments.

Yes, love is a choice. As of May 30, 1998, I’m a wife. Not only did I say the words, “I promise to love you,” to my husband, God has called me to love my husband. And some days I don’t like him very much. (Some days, though it’s hard for me to believe, he doesn’t like me very much). But over the last ten years, I’ve had to learn to practice a lot of what Peace has written out in this chapter. Things like controlling my thoughts, conforming them to the obedience of Christ, pouring my heart out to God when I feel like I’ve been wronged and trusting Him to take care of it. When I turn to Him, He is there. When I turn elsewhere, I compound my problem with idolatry.

Ultimately, my decisions (even to love or not to love) are based on what I believe about God. And marriage is just one more opportunity to exercise my faith.

I wish Martha Peace had included a little more of Colossians 3. It goes like this:

Please don’t read more into this post than is there. The times that it was hard to love my husband were my fault. I was unloving because I wanted to be, as a way to “pay him back” for whatever I was upset about. Yes, there’s room for improvement, but he is more a blessing to me than anything else.

Alrighty then. It’s your turn! I’m very eager to read your posts this week. (I always read your posts and comments even if I don’t always have time to leave a comment of my own). As always, I’ll post links here to all the ladies who read and wrote something for this chapter.

Lisa at Deo Volente has written about how God changed her heart of stone toward her husband. As far as I know, she isn’t reading the book with us, but I would still recommend you read her post today, “It’s 3 in the morning…”

Read what others have to say:

• Lisa at Blessed
• Shawnda at Spirit of Adoption
• Rebekah at Sweet Tea with Lemon
• Julie Stiles Mills at Pragmatic Compendium
• Amy at Another Day in Paradise
• Jane at Much Ado
• Adzele at Journey with God
• Sifted Heart at His Household

Keep reading! Click for Chapter 10.