Intimacy: A Wife’s Response

Chapter 11 is the half-way point of The Excellent Wife. To celebrate making it this far, I am going to have another give-away. These two books
will go to one lucky lady who comments on this post. I love these little devotionals so much I have to give some away. I’ll announce a winner next Friday.

You can read my reviews:

I am sorry about the lateness of my post. I have had a very busy day. I just could not move blogging up on my to-do list. So here I am wrapping up this post at o’dark:30.


Martha Peace writes, “The sexual bond between husband and wife is a gift from God for the enjoyment of physical intimacy and the procreation of life…Christian husbands and wives possess the potential to have sexual relations and in the process remain pure in their thoughts, actions, and motives.”

God designed sex in marriage for
1. physical intimacy in marriage
2. procreation of life

The physical union of husband and wife is designed to meet specific needs:
1. our God-given desire for companionship
2. to protect the husband and wife from temptation
3. the mutual giving and receiving of great pleasure and joy between the husband and wife.

Six biblical principles regarding sex within marriage:

1. Sex within marriage is holy and good.

2. Pleasure is assured and is not sinful.

3. The wife should be “other-oriented” and “self-oriented.”

4. Sexual relations should be regular and continuous.

5. The wife should never bargain with her husband in return for her favors

6. Sex relations are to be equal and reciprocal.

“Anything goes as long as it is mutually agreeable, pleasurable, and not offensive to the partner. Exceptions to this would include anything that is sinful such as, sodomy (anal penetration), watching pornography, and sharing sexual fantasies about other people (Galatians 5:19).”

“Don’t just glorify God on Sunday morning, but also in the intimacy of your marriage bed.”

My Thoughts

  • I appreciated Peace’s suggestions on page 122. The quote from Wayne Mack made me chuckle.
  • I wonder if any wife has ever tried to take advantage of her rights over her husband’s body only to be turned down? I bet that doesn’t happen very often.
  • I remembered a women’s conference I attended several years ago at which one of the questions during the panel discussion was about sex. Specifically, what is considered good and what is sinful in the marriage bed? The answer from all of the women on the panel was basically do whatever you’re comfortable doing, but don’t look at pornography. I agree with Peace’s additions of sharing fantasies that include other people and sodomy. Those are dehumanizing acts and they do not glorify God.
  • Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is a way we can glorify God.
  • I have learned that sex is one way I can minister to my husband. Not only can I view it as “ministry,” but…
  • Sex is also one way to remedy feeling disconnected.
  • Frequent sex does protect a couple from temptation.
  • One who is full loathes honey,
    but to one who is hungry everything bitter is sweet. Proverbs 27:7

This can be a difficult subject about which to write. I realized as I wrote that I could approach this topic from many different angles. I could probably write a book about the work God has done in my heart and mind to get me to the point where I can agree with his word that sex is good, good for me, and that my purity is maintained when I am intimate with my husband. I just cannot fit it all into one post.

I know I am not the only woman ever to struggle through those issues; there is nothing unique about my story. Still, Karl has asked me when I’m going to write it all out. I have no idea, but I’m almost certain it won’t be in blog-form.

I’m going to turn it over to you now.

Don’t forget to leave a comment so your name can be entered in the drawing!

Keep reading! Click for Chapter 12.

17 Comments on “Intimacy: A Wife’s Response

  1. you wrote “I have learned that sex is one way I can minister to my husband. Not only can I view it as “ministry,” but… Sex is also one way to remedy feeling disconnected….”I never thought about it that way. something to think about…thanks.when you read my post, tell me if I got this totally wrong….(it is up)


  2. No, I don’t think I have ever been turned no when “claiming my rights”. Isn’t God’s grace sweet?


  3. When we covered this chapter in our ladies’ bible study, I found myself struggling with how to approach it. The emotions and attitudes we bring into a marriage with regard to sex can be terribly burdened down with baggage from childhood, whether it was a previous sinful experience, or just a negative attitude toward it in the home. I found myself really wondering. So, I got one of the ladies to “facilitate” things. She was a woman who had a marriage fail because she denied sex to her husband. He ended up having an affair. She was very good about exhorting us to bring sex under the authority of God.One of the other younger moms said that she wishes thath parents would discuss healthy sex attitudes when the kids are teenagers, and I agreed with that.


  4. I am behind this week on my reading but great to read your post Leslie, thanks again, you have some great points here to ponder….now I must go and catch up on my reading! 🙂


  5. This was great. She had so many good and practical suggestions. I’d be interested to hear the rest of the story. It sounds like God has done an amazing work.


  6. Oh, considering my husband and I just had a nice long talk about contentment/discontentment (ie: mine), it would probably be good for me to read those little books…Would also probably be good for me to pray.


  7. I fretted over how to approach this chapter, too, and ultimately decided to just stick to the content of the book. Plus, my relatives read my blog…I don’t want to over-share for their sakes.


  8. I read this book during a particularly trying time in my marriage. I found myself in agreement with Martha time and time again.I also think that it’s important to note that just because you are having regular relations with your spouse, it does not mean that infidelity won’t occur. Also, if regular relations are not taking place, that does not excuse a spouse from going to someone else.I really enjoy reading through your summaries of each chapter!


  9. “I wonder if any wife has ever tried to take advantage of her rights over her husband’s body only to be turned down?”Wonder no more, this does happen. This topic is always a difficult one for me because I don’t fit the mold of what is typical. Although a minority, I do know that other women struggle with the same issue. It can feel particularly lonely when the subject comes up in Bible study groups or other small groups of christian women who are all lamenting how much their husbands desire sex and they don’t. I would really love for this to be my problem! It us usually taken for granted that everyone is the same on this issue, and that’s just not the case. It would be helpful for those of us in the minority if there was room to talk about our situation without feeling like we are really weird.God is good and has opened my eyes to where I can trust Him and help my husband. I’m sure part of the problem for us is that Sean works an incredibly stressful job and is gone many nights. He expresses his love and esteem for me in many other ways (as well as sexual intimacy), so I know that it is not a lack of love for me. Over the years we have had many good talks about this issue, and we are actually in a really good place right now. But the flip side of the usual sex chapter is so rarely addressed and I think it would be helpful if it were.


  10. Shannon you make a very good point. I spent some time catching up with a friend I hadn’t talked to in a long time and she shared that she recently found out her husband has an addiction to pornography and has taken advantage of prostitutes when he’s been away on business. She had no idea. And she had not been withholding sex from him, either. She was shocked, to say the least. We can do all that we think is right by our spouses, but we have to realize that apart from the grace of God to uphold us we will sin.And I agree that a spouse (husband or wife) cannot use the absence of sex in the relationship as an excuse to sin. It is our tendency, isn’t it, to want to blame someone else when we sin? Christina, thank you so much for sharing and bringing balance to what I wrote. You’re right, the “flip side” of the issue is hardly ever addressed. Maybe we could work on breaking ground on that issue?


  11. ** Formerly known as Vicki R. – changed my Blogger profile **I have finally caught up with the reading; sorry I have not been commenting lately!The “Intimacy” chapter has arrived in near perfect timing with how things are these days with hubbs & I. We had fallen into some of the bad habits described in Principle #4. Terrible! I appreciated the encouragement, suggestions & straight-forwardness of Peace’s comments.It is so important for me to remind myself on a regular basis that sex is a “good and holy act that God declares is GOOD…It should be fun!!”


  12. Hi Leslie!I’ve been blurking since I found you through Amy & Lisa. The one thing that I have noticed between my sweet hubby and myself is this: when we start arguing over the little insignificant things that come up in our lives it is time to “get together”. We need to reconnect. We need that one-on-one, intimate time to enjoy each other. Consistency is a difficult aspect for us. I’m an early bird and he’s a night owl. There are times that I’m in bed asleep before he even gets home from meetings and what not at night. Then I’m up at the crack of dawn running around like a crazed woman. This just means we have to be creative! :)Thanks for letting me share my thoughts!


  13. Oh sweet sister! I am being so blessed by your blog! What timely subjects for areas I struggle with and through which the Lord is teaching me many things. Contentment, Trust, what a blessing it would be to get my hands on those books! Thanks for the opportunity! And yes, the issue of sex in the marriage relationship. I can say Amen that the Lord has healed and brought me such a long way in this area!! I don’t feel at liberty to share details, but God has been so good to bring healing and trust and allow me the joy of giving myself to my husband freely again! God is so good and I love Him so!!!!!


  14. Garden Gal,Good to have you back. Your absence was noted…I always enjoy reading your thoughts.Christina,Thanks for your honestly. It is difficult to be in the minority, more so on such a delicate subject that is difficult to discuss.


  15. I like the 2nd bullet in your thoughts ; ) But in all reality, I bet it happens more than we think. I have a dear friend where, where their desires seem to be reversed to me! Crazy!!! : ) I thought Peace did a great job of sharing practicals. I just linked to you for this wk b/c I haven’t been feeling well : (


  16. thanks for this summary. i came from shawnda’s site. this book has given me a lot to think about.


  17. I can’t wait to start reading this book! Thanks ladies!


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