I’ve been rather down for a few months now. Not so low that I would classify myself in a depressed state of mind; I have enjoyed myself, been happy, generally, and fulfilled my responsibilities and various roles. However, always in the back of my mind, I have kept close my reasons to be angry and sad.
Writing is my way of processing, but I am not at liberty to blog about the reasons. (I learned the “blogging boundaries” lesson the hard way and I do not want to repeat the course.) Instead, I have poured my thoughts and feelings into my journal.
As I was writing and praying today, I was attempting to discern some purpose for this struggle. A verse that Abbey has been memorizing the last few days came to mind. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. It was difficult, and I had to ask for the supernatural ability to do it, but by his grace I was able to begin thanking him for this wound. I turned the situation over and around, examining it from various angles, looking for anything in it for which I could express thanks. I only saw three, but it’s a start. The most immediate result was that I literally felt the bitterness that has been spiritually strangling me (for months!) begin to lose its grip. (Thank you for praying for me, Jojo!)
I am, by no means, out of the woods, so to speak (I will probably have to repeat this exercise daily), but I feel better today. I gave thanks to God from my heart, something I have been unable to do for several months. I talked to God without “reminding” him that I’m angry and hurt or accusing him of wrongdoing (my attitude toward God has been nothing but wretched). I’m not proud of that; I’m being honest with you lest you begin having any noble or pious thoughts about me just because I thanked God for a difficult situation. In fact, I wouldn’t have done it unless the Spirit made me do it.
Therefore, my “Thankful Thursday” is simple: I am thankful for the Spirit’s enabling me to give thanks, really give thanks, from my heart.
Now, if I could rejoice with those who rejoice…..