Remember when you were a kid and you were playing a game with your little brother and all of a sudden you realized you didn’t play the game exactly right? I do. I always cried, “DO-OVER!” Or, “I messed up. Can I go again?” We’d start a game and start it over, over and over again.
Before our first little one came along, Karl and I made a list (we have lots of lists which we spend hours working on and then mere moments forgetting) which contained our philosophy of child training. We enumerated what rules we thought would be important for our home, how we would go about disciplining, etc. I wanted to do everything “right.” I wanted to implement all the good things I learned in college about the family. I recall fretting about how young is too young to start spanking and what-not. I asked a relative, a mom six times over at the time, how a mother knows when her child needs a spanking. “Oh, you’ll know…” came the answer with a grin. She was right. I can remember one of the first times. Hannah was about 11 months old when she was able to look me in the eyes and do the very thing I told her not to do. I knew! And I felt like I was playing the game right.
It was so much easier when they were small. I never had to raise my voice. But sometime after number three came along, and they all started to talk, a switch was thrown in my brain and I became a yell-er. Ever since, I’ve been crying, “DO-OVER!” So, when I get emails like this one I feel like kicking myself. This is a small bit from Elizabeth Eliot:
If you begin at the beginning to show the child you are serious about obedience, you will not need to undo the months or years of raising your voice, repeating commands again and again, rushing after him. You will have control.
She’s mostly right. Somewhere along the way, I equated raising my voice with showing I was serious. I feel like I have learned so much–what to do, what not to do–that I want to put them all back and have a complete do-over. “Let’s just zap you guys back to infancy and let me try again. I think I get it now.” Only, I can’t. I don’t get a complete do-over. And I can’t undo what’s been done.
I was thinking about how I nurture my kids this week, and it occurred to me that I don’t read to the last two like I did to the first two. Oh, the guilt! It’s not that I don’t read to them at all, it’s that there are certain times of day that they get a book or three from me, and that’s it. It’s just not the same. But, boy do I yell. From the kitchen, from the school table, from the shower! Noah and Abbey know when I’m preoccupied and they go for it! I want a do-over with them, but I know I’ll never get one. At least not a complete do-over.
I’m such an optimist that I try for a “it’s a new day do-over.” God’s mercies are new every day, right? I wake up feeling like each day could be completely different and better. I’ve been known to send the kids back to bed after breakfast to try and give them (and myself) another chance to start the day right. I think it was Wednesday I had to have a talk with the kids. The talk goes something like this: “Okay, guys. I’m sorry that I’ve allowed things to get a little crazy today. I’ve yelled at you guys today, and I’m very sorry. I am not going to yell at you. Consider this your warning–I’m reminding you of who’s in charge around here. And we’ll all have a much better rest-of-the-day if you go ahead and recognize.” A kind of “help me, help you” speech.
They are so quick with love and forgiveness. They do not have the trouble most adults have with understanding that we all make mistakes and we all need grace. I get four “I forgive you, Mommy”-ies, and we go about our day a much happier household. It’s not a complete do-over, but it is a do-over of sorts.
It’s still early in the game and I won’t ever play it perfectly. No one plays the game perfectly. I’m praying for God to fill with His grace all those times I dropped the ball.
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:22-24Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
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Leslie Wiggins 
10 responses to “Child Training Do-Over”
I’m right there with you. I am thankful for God’s grace but often want a “do-over”. I have seen the depth of sin in my heart more and more since I have had children. Thanks for those words.
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Do-overs should continue into adulthood. Absolutely! We all can relate how one “do-over” can absolve mommy guilt really quickly!Here’s to starting over and over again!
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I have had to do the same thing, sending everyone back to their rooms to start the day over, several times. I have also had to ask for forgiveness countless times and have found that they are quick to forgive. I think it is good in some ways that they see we are not perfect, that we sin and need to ask for forgiveness just like they need to. I feel like I pray often for God to fill in my gaps. I would love a do-over, but I know I would quickly screw that up too. Oh, how I need the Lord and His grace to help me in all I say and do! Thanks for sharing this.
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Have you read *Homeschooling with a Gentle and Quiet Spirit by Teri Maxwell? I’ll have to get the link for her website later….this was so encouraging to me as I longed for peaceful and loving disipline for my children. I still need *do overs*,though and am constantly asking for God’s grace in this area. One thing is I concentrate on using a quiet voice with lots of love and affirmation before the spanking and after it. Even if I have to go to my bedroom first and pray…then go and spank…if we do it in anger,I am convinced we could be leading our children down the road of rebellion. If I am doing it in anger,I should not be doing it at all. Just my 2 cents! This was an excellent post,Leslie!
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Kim–I haven’t read Terri Maxwell’s book, but I’ve looked over her website and debated which books would be the best ones to order. I couldn’t decide and ended up not getting any of them! Which ones do you highly recommend and which ones can I do without? Thanks for your two-cents. You are absolutely right. I have found that when I keep my voice quiet they pay better attention. Karl and I read Tripp’s book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, and it helped us so much. Another one I love is Teach Them Diligently by Lou Priolo. Do you have some other favorites?
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Wonderful post Leslie! I think this is the most common burden among mothers who really want to get it *right*! We had a discussion the other day about what age can they really remember back to? Hoping it didn’t include yesterday!!!I struggle with the yelling also, mostly because it works in a pinch. Not necessarily productive in the long run but it certainly stops a boy in his tracks (which is really important when he is about to mow over the dog with a monster truck).What an encouragement in the right direction for the beginning of our week 🙂
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3 books I highly recommend are:*Homeschooling with a meek and quiet spirit* by Teri Maxwell (if you can only get 1)*Keeping our Children’s Hearts*by Steve and Teri MaxwellNot from their website,but so so so good and you need it for your parenting journey:*Withhold not correction* by Bruce A. Ray
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Oooo yes, I could have written this post Leslie – word for word!! I’ve had quite a few “do overs” in the past week.
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We all fall victim to the yeller at some point! I know my loud voice tends to come out at the end of the day when we are running late. It is my fault we are running late to begin with and I take it out on my little ones. Sometimes though it is purely thier behavior! I am so glad they are resilent and forgiving. I don’t want my kids to remember their childhood and have a yelling mommy in those memories. I too am thankful for His grace, mercy and direction.
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Thank you for such an honest and helpful post Leslie.
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