Benjamin said something the other evening while I was preparing the food and table for dinner that has caused me to really think. Let me set it up: Karl was asking everyone to wait for me to sit down before starting to eat. He began to explain to them the manners and etiquette behind his request when Benjamin said, “Mommy is a servant. She serves everybody! That means she’s going to be FIRST in Heaven.”

He is, of course, referring to Jesus’ teaching regarding who is the greatest.

“The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those in authority over them are called benefactors. But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.” Luke 22:25-27.

“If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.” Mark 9:35

In the Matthew passage, Jesus calls a child to come as an object lesson to show the disciples what he means.

“Unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3-4.

I believe there are two levels of seeing: physical sight and spiritual sight. We can see what is going on around us and we call it reality. Benjamin’s reality is that I was serving joyfully. Benjamin believed he saw good fruit flowing from his mother. I wasn’t throwing pots and pans. He saw what I wanted him to see–the outside. But there is another sight that is more real than our so-called reality. But, “the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Benjamin does not have the ability to look into and discern my heart, but God does. God put those words on Benjamin’s tongue (Proverbs 16:1), and I was completely EXPOSED. It looked like I was standing at the counter pouring small glasses of milk, but in reality, I was stripped and laid bare before the One who discerns the thoughts and intents of the heart and always judges rightly.

My heart that evening was far from humble like a true servant’s and trusting like a child’s. In my heart I was believing that I’m not appreciated. I want to be one hundred other places than in my messy kitchen. I’d rather be relaxing after my day and instead I’m serving up chicken casserole and broccoli, and I’m sure someone is going to find something to complain about. My heart was saying that God really made a mistake when He decided to make me a wife and mother. My heart was exalted and, dare I say it, I believed I deserved better. A bondslave who loves her Master does not have that heart attitude, nor does a child who trusts her Father.

Fast forward to after Christmas. I finally received in the mail a book ordered over a month ago: Elizabeth Prentiss ‘More Love to Thee’ by Sharon James. Elizabeth Prentiss wrote Stepping Heavenward, a little book that I have read four times and never tire of reading. I was very excited to read about the life of this woman who was moved to pen such a wonderful story. If you’ve read Stepping Heavenward, then you know one of the major themes in Katy’s life is the joyful acceptance of God’s will, no matter what trial or pleasure it may mean. This is a lesson Elizabeth likely learned from her father, according to James. Her father, Edward Payson, wrote,

“O what a blessed thing it is to lose one’s will. Since I have lost my will I have found happiness. There can be no such thing as disappointment to me, for I have no desires but that God’s will might be accomplished. Christians might avoid much trouble if they would only believe what they profess, viz., that God is able to make them happy without anything but Himself.”

And so these things have been on my mind as I’ve considered the new year and my own relationship with my Father. Then, Sunday morning I was privileged to hear a pastor’s prayer for his church from Paul’s prayer for the Philippian church. “And it is my prayer that your love may abound MORE AND MORE, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God” (Philippians 1:9-11). And I am making it part of my prayer for myself for the coming year.

First, that my love for God will grow. Please don’t misunderstand and think I’m only meaning a sentimental kind of love. Paul prayed that this love would grow with knowledge and all discernment. Therefore, I must spend time reading God’s word to know Him and love Him. I want Him to see my heart and be pleased. I want my heart to be commended, not rebuked. I want to be His bondslave and like a little child, not a phony, treacherous servant who really wants to exalt herself the first chance she gets. I want to have a heart that loves to serve and delights to do His will. And, as best I can tell, right now that means serving my family and making a home.

I pray that He will grow me in holiness and sanctification. “For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified” (Romans 8:29-30).

I pray that I will be “filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ.” Real fruit comes only from Christ! I can produce the fake stuff on my own. Benjamin saw that and I received my praise. I pray that Jesus will work the real stuff into me AND…

I pray that all will be “to the glory and praise of God.”

These kinds of requests aren’t granted with a simple wave of a wand. I’ve typed all this out and it sounds really good and spiritual, but love for God and sanctification aren’t deposited on easy paths. I am actually reconsidering all of it. At the same time I want those spiritual things I also want an easy life. A life free of sickness and pain and death and calamity and danger and uncertainty. But that kind of life could mean hell for eternity. I guess here is where faith comes in and says, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him.” A loving bondslave and a trusting child.