Dear Lux Venit,
I started you on May 30, 2006. It’s kind of strange to me that I’m embarking on my fourth year of blogging. I don’t really have anything profound to say about it….just that it’s kind of odd to me.
When I read back over my earliest posts I see that I was a lot more open, honest, raw, if you will, and I wonder what happened to that daring woman. I’m much more guarded nowadays. I think a lot about choosing words carefully, who exactly will read you and will he or she be offended, and I obsess over whether or not something I’ve written is good, in the spiritual sense of the word rather than the entertaining/interesting sense. What I’m trying to say is that all of my obsessing has thrown our relationship into neutral.
I’ve felt stuck. Like I’m hiding somewhere behind all the books.
I almost deleted all of that. Why? Because it reads like I’m whining or frustrated or needy. I’m not any of those things. I’m trying to write without constantly editing myself. And it feels really good.
I want us to move forward, LV.
I’d write more about what I think that means, but it’s getting late and I have to go weed one of my garden’s furrows before it gets too hot outside. I know how important you want to be, but I have a home and family to care for.
I’m sorry I missed our anniversary.
Thanks for reading Lux Venit. And a big hug to the women who’ve been reading since the beginning and have become dear friends. [The garden is growing great, by the way. We’ve eaten lots of squash and one zucchini so far. And I cannot wait for my first tomato!]