Peeking out


Photo by djcodrin

It’s a good thing WordPress remembered my log-in info for me because memory of my online data has almost faded.  I can recall my childhood phone numbers and addresses before my passwords.  I tried signing-in on my Twitter account the other day and failed three times before I tried the right combination of log-in name and password.

I would be lying if I told you that I miss blogging.  I have not missed it one bit.  But probably not for the reasons you think.

I have had my moments.  Moments in which I thought, OH, I need to write something about that! Moments in which the urge to pound the keys and spew all over my electronic page were almost overwhelming.  But I stopped short of clicking “Publish.”

I have words.  I lack guts.

I am not a fearless blogger.  I love to be loved.  And I hate that my fear of rejection has overpowered the joy received from the thinking-writing-blogging process.

That’s not exactly true.  I have been enjoying the writing process.  I’ve just been enjoying it without you.  My pages are hiding in little folder icons behind a cryptic password.

Lately I’ve been wondering what’s the point of writing if no one ever reads it?  Somehow, the process doesn’t feel complete without feedback. Obviously, this applies to more than just blogging.  It applies to publishing articles and books and whatever other projects I’d like to pursue.

The flip side of my fear of rejection is fear of success.  What if…?  As long as I never send anything to an editor, then I am guaranteed to feel what I feel right now about writing.  Which is…hopeful.  Just a bundle of potential energy.  At least it feels familiar.  Comfortable.

I’ve noticed a pattern with me and blogging.  I’ll blog for a while, my sitemeter stats increase, I panic and stop blogging for a while, visits decrease, I resume blogging, stats increase, I go into hiding, stats go down, and so on.  My response to feeling exposed is to avoid the internet.

The blog stats are back down, and here I am.  Pi.ti.ful.

Here’s to breaking the cycle…

clicking….

publish….

now.

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13 thoughts on “Peeking out

  1. Peeking out is the first step. Hitting publish the second. Being persistent? Well, it’s what this reader is hoping is next.

    Hugs.

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  2. I understand, those stats are “killers”, I do not like them, yet I come and see them! I am planning on moving my blog to blogger, just because I do not want to see them any more!

    I am a sinner, living in the flesh, under a skin that loves to be liked, yet I must fight my sinful nature through the mortification of the sin on a daily basis.

    I must not forget that I am, indeed, on my way to Heaven!

    Becky.

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  3. I’m so behind on reading blogs, that I didn’t realize that you hadn’t blogged in a while! I still had a couple of posts to read! Sorry for not giving much feed back lately. But I do read your blog and probably always will. I like to have just a few friends local or blogging and just stick with them.

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    1. I know what you mean! I have a handful of women (who have become friends of mine) whose blogs I will read as long as they’re blogging. I’m honored that I’m one of those for you! 🙂

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    1. Oh, it doesn’t bother me at all that readers do not leave comments. I hope this post doesn’t read like a plea for comments; that wasn’t my intention at all. SO, don’t feel like you have to comment, Jenn. We always keep in touch through facebook anyway! 🙂

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  4. I can sooooooooo relate. You just wrote a post that completely describes my relationship with blogging, and writing, too. I do hope to have time to try writing something other than blog posts in the near future. However, if anyone ever gets to read that effort, that may be another story.

    I’m glad for all the times you hit publish. And, just for honesty’s sake, I check my stats and care more about them than I think I probably should. Nature of the blogging beast, maybe?

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  5. I can relate to always thinking about what certain people will think if I write so-and-so, and I hate it because one reason I thought I would like blogging and decided to do it was because I enjoyed reading the blogs of those who were not afraid to write what they were really thinking. It was kind of like reading someone’s journals before they were dead. But I’m not that brave yet. I don’t care about people I don’t know, but I always feel like I have to say things a certain way for the people I do. Oh, well. Maybe we shall grow braver.

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  6. Thanks for writing this. I have gone through this wax and waning too – in fact, most of my seasons kind of spill out in the form of “I’m MOVING” (different blog platforms, etc.). It’s all the same, so I feel ya.
    SO glad you’re still pounding the keyboard. We’re out here and we’re reading. Keep it up! 🙂

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