It’s a good thing WordPress remembered my log-in info for me because memory of my online data has almost faded. I can recall my childhood phone numbers and addresses before my passwords. I tried signing-in on my Twitter account the other day and failed three times before I tried the right combination of log-in name and password.
I would be lying if I told you that I miss blogging. I have not missed it one bit. But probably not for the reasons you think.
I have had my moments. Moments in which I thought, OH, I need to write something about that! Moments in which the urge to pound the keys and spew all over my electronic page were almost overwhelming. But I stopped short of clicking “Publish.”
I have words. I lack guts.
I am not a fearless blogger. I love to be loved. And I hate that my fear of rejection has overpowered the joy received from the thinking-writing-blogging process.
That’s not exactly true. I have been enjoying the writing process. I’ve just been enjoying it without you. My pages are hiding in little folder icons behind a cryptic password.
Lately I’ve been wondering what’s the point of writing if no one ever reads it? Somehow, the process doesn’t feel complete without feedback. Obviously, this applies to more than just blogging. It applies to publishing articles and books and whatever other projects I’d like to pursue.
The flip side of my fear of rejection is fear of success. What if…? As long as I never send anything to an editor, then I am guaranteed to feel what I feel right now about writing. Which is…hopeful. Just a bundle of potential energy. At least it feels familiar. Comfortable.
I’ve noticed a pattern with me and blogging. I’ll blog for a while, my sitemeter stats increase, I panic and stop blogging for a while, visits decrease, I resume blogging, stats increase, I go into hiding, stats go down, and so on. My response to feeling exposed is to avoid the internet.
The blog stats are back down, and here I am. Pi.ti.ful.
Here’s to breaking the cycle…