Sitting…at the school table. I recently finished some sewing/mending and am rewarding myself with a little blogging time.
Reading…1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I decided to take it with me to the pool yesterday since I finished Mr. Monk on the Road Tuesday. This part I read today resonated with my heart:
Yesterday morning, the morning before, all these mornings, I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always, the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning the toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough? But this morning, I wake wildly wanting to live. Physically feeling it in the veins trembling, the hard pant of the lungs, the seeing it in the steady stars, how much I really want to really live. How I don’t want to die. Is that the message of nightmares and dreams? To live either fully alive…or in empty nothingness?
It’s the in between that drives us mad.
It’s the life in between, the days of walking lifeless, the years calloused and simply going through the hollow motions, the self-protecting by self-distracting, the body never waking, that’s lost all capacity to fully feel — this is the life in between that makes us the wild walking dead.
How do we live fully so we are fully ready to die?
Thinking… of a good, biblical answer to that question.
Looking…forward to my cousin’s wedding next weekend.
Enjoying…photography and piano lessons.
Celebrating…13 years of marriage.
Thinking…about the next school year.
Thankful…for the good days.
Daily pic 8/365